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interraciallife.com article

What's Next on the Road to Romance?

Post date: 2007-05-06

Most people believe that the soul-mate they long for is out there, somewhere, waiting for them. That person could be online, in the local bar or folding clothes at the local laundromat. The thing about love is that you just never know who you are going to bump into next on the road to romance.

Many of us succumb to a kind of panic when we make it our goal to find a new lover or partner. We figure that the first person who comes along and pays a little attention to us might have been sent to us by fate. We settle for less, meaning a completely appropriate partner, simply because we fear that the person we are sort of with might be the last person on earth who will ever be interested in us.

Before you start dating or looking for a marriage partner, it is important to develop a list of goals. What do you intend to do with your own life in the near future? What qualities or characteristics must a person possess in order to augment your progress? By valuing and developing your own goals and emphasizing your own distinctive qualities you will develop a confidence and self-reliance that others find attractive.

Although it's true that the only way to meet new people is to socialize, many people make the mistake of thinking they have to do something unusual or off the beaten path in order to meet new people. If you are into heavy metal, don't sign up for square dancing lessons. Do what you love and a partner who shares your interests usually shows up sooner or later.

When you make a list of goals of what you find attractive about someone else it is important to note to yourself if you possess these same qualities. If love is a deal where you are bringing an offer to a table, just exactly what is it that you have to offer other people?

Do you offer a potential partner a needy, desperate person who is looking for someone to pay the rent? Make a list of all the good reasons why someone should go out with you and emphasize those qualities.

Finding a partner is not about filling a void in your life, especially if that hole is a gap of personal insecurity waiting to be filled with flattery and approval from the opposite sex.

By choosing to work on your issues and becoming as whole and emotionally healthy as possible you gain the emotional strength to break old relationship patterns and meet someone different. One way to do this is to decide you will be happy in life, with or without a partner.

Once you have cleared your emotional clutter from your life, and that includes throwing out your ex's belongings and getting a makeover, start to determine what qualities you are looking for in a partner.

Suggestions as to what these qualities might include the following:

I am looking for a person with high-self esteem. The person must be self-sufficient. The person must be emotionally available. The person must be over their past. The person must not have a history of alcoholism, addiction or manic depression. The person must be committed to building a future with me.

You may feel ready for a relationship, but sometimes the person we are smitten with is not. Let's say you are dating someone for a while yet you still feel you are receiving mixed messages from them with regards to the path the relationship may take in the future. The only way to clear this up is to sit down with this person and ask them questions.

Do you love me? Are you ready for a committed relationship? Where do you see us six months down the line? How about one year from now? Do you see me in your future three years from now?

It is important to be honest, not only with yourself, but also with your potential partner. Discuss with each other your dreams, goals, lifestyles, hobbies, finances, religious and political beliefs, and whether or not children are in the picture. Through this investigative process you will find out whether or not you are truly compatible. Compatibility is not just about laughing at the same jokes or liking the same movies. It is about sharing intentions. That is why so many couples who seem to be opposites in terms of their personal tastes can still create a thriving relationship.

Just a note that nobody likes to be interrogated or quizzed in this manner on a first date. Save the quiz for someone you care about and who you have dated for about three months.

Remember that the first date you have is a bit like a job interview. Some people do really well in interviews and others perform better once they are on the job. If you feel attracted to someone but are uncertain about whether or not, try a second or third date. If it doesn't work out, so what? You have learned something more about what you don't want in terms of relationship.

When it comes to finding a soul mate, time is still your best friend. Many people who are just getting back into the dating scene flounder horribly simply because they take rejections and bad experiences too personally. They see another's behavior as a judgement or reflection on them.

You as well as the other person are "allowed" to let go of a relationship that is not working out. Letting go is not only the courageous thing to do, it is also the right thing to do. Otherwise you are settling for less in your life.

The entire purpose of making a list of qualities that you want in another person and sticking to it, is to teach you how to "settle for more" in romance.

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